Fears in Preschool Aged Children

Expert Q&A

Q. My son will be 4 this month, in the past 3 months he developed a fear of being alone. At bedtime he is not afraid of monsters, instead he says he is afraid that I am not there. We'll sit with him and try to reassure him that he is okay and we are right in the next room. I found he is also getting upset at the park/store if we are out of his sight. We can see him, but he can't see us. It is always the same fear that we are not there. He used to play in his playroom (in our refinished basement), but now he won't go down unless we go with him. Is there some other ways we can assure him that we are here for him? Brenda, Bridgewater, Massachusetts

A. Was there anything that triggered this fear?

Did he briefly get separated from you, and get scared, like at the park or mall?

Have there been any big changes in your family, like a death or someone moving away?

Has one of his friends recently gone through a divorce, had a parent become activated by the military, or lost a parent?

Any of those things could trigger a fear of separation or loss of a parent.

Another big trigger could come from hearing a new's report of a child being abducted. Amber alerts get a lot of publicity now, so it might be possible that he heard of a missing child and is afraid that it might happen to him.

Although preschoolers usually have fears of imaginary things, like monsters, it is also normal to have some fears of separation from a parent at this age. According to Dr. Henry A. Paul, in his book Is My Child OK?, 'separation anxiety is to be expected to some degree in all children under the age of five or six.'

While it is reassuring to know that his fears are likely normal, you still want to help him cope with and overcome those fears. Most importantly, you should take your child's fears seriously and never ignore or minimize them. Also don't ever get bad at your child for being afraid and don't make him feel that it is silly to have these fears.

When dealing with separation anxiety, it can also help to:

• prepare your child for separations in advance, even if it is just a short separation, like going into another room of the house. This is especially important for longer separations, like once he starts school.
• continue to reassure him that you will return when you go somewhere, and then remind him that you did return when you come back
• make sure that you aren't overprotective and that you give him lots of opportunities to explore his world and become more indepedent
• practice short separations, for example by saying that you are going to run up stairs and get a drink when you are in his playroom, and then come right back. Ideally, wait until he is engrossed in some activity and then go. Don't sneak out though. Be sure to tell him you are leaving.
• call out to him to remind him you are there when you are out of his sight, but you can still see him
• set up a playdate with another preschooler and have them play in the playroom. Once they are having fun, tell him you are going to run upstairs and get them a snack, and then come right back.

Fears

These books about fears may also be helpful:

• The Owl Who Was Afraid of the Dark
• When Fuzzy Was Afraid Of Losing His Mother
• Don't Be Afraid, Tommy
• Furlie Cat
• Mommy, Don't Go
• Mama Will Be Home Soon
• The Good-bye Book