Brushing his teeth has never been his favorite thing to do, but by allowing him to choose a toothbrush and toothpaste with his favorite characters, and brushing our teeth at the same time, it is usually something we get through fairly easy.
Not tonight though.
I finally gave him a choice, and asked if he wanted to brush his teeth or if he wanted me to do it. This brought on a tantrum and a time-out and I warned him that if I had to brush his teeth, then he was going to bed without reading any books or finishing the video he had been watching.
We finally got through brushing his teeth and I put him to bed. Mom stayed with him for a little while, but he had lost his bedtime privileges.
A few minutes later she called me into his room and told me that he had said that 'I don't want him to be my dad anymore.'
I know that kids often say things like this impulsively, and that sooner or later most parents will hear an 'I hate you' or 'I want to move to grandma's house' and that I shouldn't take it personally, but the way mom was smiling as she told me about it made me mad.
We didn't talk about it again until the next day, when mom was trying to get me to do something. I tried to get out of it by saying, "Why should I do it, he doesn't want me to be his dad anyway."
Mom thought I was nuts for saying that and gave me a strange look, trying to figure out what I was talking about.
"That's what you said last night," I said.
Turns out I misheard her.
What she had actually said was "I don't want him to be mad at me anymore." And she had been smiling when she said it because she thought it was a sweet thing to say.
It was kind of sweet, but why did I hear "I don't want him to be my dad anymore"?
Maybe I subconsciously misheard because I was feeling guilty about being so hard on him...
As a pediatrician, I know about all the different parenting styles and I like to think that I am authoritative (parents who set rules and limits, but explain why they are necessary and take their children's point of view into account when making the rules. They communicate regularly with their children and encourage them to be independent), but too often, I end up being authoritarian (overly strict and bossy, believing in 'absolute obedience to authority' and creating children that are afraid of them and fearful of new challenges and experiences). I try to justify it by thinking that if mom was less permissive (overly lenient, without setting any limits and creating children who are spoiled and disrespectful and unable to make their own choices) or if he just acted better, then I could be authoritative, but those are just excuses.
The next day I bought the Dr. Seuss Tooth Book. We read all about Smiling Sam the crocodile, and Pam the clam without any teeth, and dirty Billy Billings with all of his fillings.
He liked the book and it got his "let's read it again" seal of approval. We read it again, but this time I added some commentary about the importance of brushing your teeth, or you might end up like Pam the clam or Hilda Hen. And of course, we didn't want our teeth to be all dirty like Billy Billings.
Afterwards he said, "Lets go brush our teeth."
So we both learned a lesson.
He hopefully learned, at least for a little while, the importance of brushing his teeth.
And I learned I could still be an effective disciplinarian without being too bossy.
